LIFE & LOVE
I had a memory come flooding back to me and I will share it here on this blog, for I also feel the message is so important to many. There is a lot of ‘open heart surgery’ going on, the spiritual feeds on Facebook will give you all the reasons that this is happening, for those experiencing it you just need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
When I started with my deep healing work with my shamanic teachers many years ago I experienced things that were mind blowing and life changing, for they made me feel. They made me feel the ‘numb’ parts and I know those reading this understand this.
When a trauma occurs the system goes into shock and does its very best to get us through the trauma, part of the process is this numbing. At the time it is such a useful tool but years later it is like carrying around a part of you that’s dead weight.
For this unprocessed experience weighs on your heart, for the beautiful energy centre keeps reminding us to go to this place, to open up, but we get busy. We can shut it completely down and sweep it away, yet there will be an unease, there will even be replications of part of the original experience, whether that’s a person with similar characteristics to the original person in the trauma, recurring dreams, there will be something or someone pushing buttons.
The universe leaves breadcrumbs, it is for us to follow and allow.
So my experience I will share, on the second shamanic retreat I was ripped apart. The first was gentle, felt like home and I felt AMAZING afterwards. The second was on another level.
The circle work, the ceremonies, people sharing, alters made from things we all loved, I went into it with the same joy as the first, I felt so at home. The day we had been prepared for was ‘finding our own voice’, and it was explained to us by our teacher that it would be a noise, tone, song, but it would be uniquely yours.
We were to go out into the fields, on the farm we were staying at for this work, and find our own place to discover our voice. I went to walk out of the door with the other people in the circle and the teacher stopped me, he looked me deep in the eyes and gave me a massive hug. He had hugged no one else. This was one of those moments that stuck out and has done ever since for he knew what was coming.
I walked into the fields and found myself wandering down a bank where there was a stream, I walked across a small bridge, then stepped into the water of the stream, at that moment something happened that completely engulfed me, I HOWLED, I SCREAMED, it was part wolf, part human, but so raw, so full of pain and so encompassing. I was ripped open and out poured this pure pain. I howled and howled and howled.
We all met back in the room for circle work and sharing, many shared the voice that they had found, I could not speak, my throat was sore but also I was totally and utterly broken and my head didn’t know why. I was silent.
We followed the routine of the rest of the day, had the evening meal, went to bed. I said nothing. I had nothing to say, I had no thoughts, I had nothing, just pure pain coursing through me.
Yet overnight illumination. As we had breakfast, did our outdoor ceremonies and met again in the room for our circle work, out came the reason for the pain. In the healing space I had been in, and in the integrity of a heart centred teacher, I had felt safe and had allowed.
The pain was from my miscarriage, which had occurred many years before this retreat, but one that was silent. It had gotten swept away like something that had never happened. My boyfriend at the time was not supportive, my home life was by then controlled by a father who had become mentally ill and life revolved around pacifying that which can never be so.
I miscarried in my room, and went backwards and forwards to the toilet and saw my tiny tiny forming baby fall into the water in the bowl.
The family line is fear based and so there were so many buttons pushed when this happened, my family came from their own wounds and were unable to reach beyond them to support me. My mother came with rage, I understand it now but at the time it isolated me even more, I remember that my elder sister came to visit and she did come into my room and hold me, she had to go back to her home but she came.
That time was devastating. I was not far into my pregnancy, but for someone who has always wanted to be a mother, it broke me. Yet it broke me in silence.
A couple of days, back in work like it had never happened and no one to talk to, to hear my pain. Yet that pain was there and stayed there, it stayed in the area I had numbed to hold it, this vessel that contained every single drop of my heartache. In this vessel called ’numb’ it stayed. In safekeeping, until the time was right to pour out the contents.
On this retreat I poured out the pain, but also out came the love, for in numbing this experience I had locked away everything, that included the love I had for my child, it poured out of me, my mother love reached to my child in spirit, and I felt my child return that love. I allowed myself to become a mother on that day. I allowed.
So to you all, the vessels called ‘numb’ are getting ready to pour, why? Because you are ready and because the time is right. You will feel a deep emotion, that which is only yours to feel. I encourage you to allow yourself to surrender, and in doing so there will be a gift the other side of it, there always is.
May this article support you and if you want one to one guidance through this then contact me. I worked with the best and they taught me well, I learnt from my own life experiences how to process and from the best teachers.